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Vanus 42
Maakond Valgamaa


alltoodud tekst on koopia ühelt inglisekeelselt tutvuslehelt. ei hakka tõlkima. kellel vaja, saab aru.


My self-summary

(23.10.2018) i call it 'spirit',
and for past year it has been waking up in me.

it sounds mystic, but it nothing special, happened so many times before (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJO-DOwNRlE), is happening, will happen, people just do not know it. its real. its peaceful. its like i am becoming a water. like becoming an ocean. like a water that was frozen in a form of an ice cube, melting, to become who it really is, can be, should be, is/was made to be. to become a living entity to be a nurturing, contributing part of this flow of life. to live - like water can - inside a soil, a flower, inside a living organism, an animal ... to be a cloud .. to be a river, a lake ... connected with and in everything. and not needing to hold back (no greed). and not needing to be afraid (no fear). not needing to grasp .. and it feels great, really. like getting our from a prison. prison of myself. it feels liberating.

but it changes almost completely when i meet human beings. i start to feel alone. disconnected. away from the truth of being. like ... hell. like a prison. like a factory. like a kindergarten. where ... something is so wrong with people. they are almost not like themselves. they are either greedy or afraid. and mostly both. they have lost their souls. lost connection to who they really are. in a way they have become blind and deaf. and just speaking. constantly. all of the time. like a robots, like a tin mans and womens, without a heart. empty words... and living like a children. wanting pleasure for oneself, more and more .. and like a cancer who can not stop expanding and wants more and more and more and ... like a parasite, destroying ... you do not want to hear more, right? sigh. yeah, i hear you. but that is my reality. and i have to feel it everyday. to live like in a frozen land, among the mountain of stones. or being the ocean, covered with frozen ice-cubs.

but i love you - every single one of you - anyway. i just can not help it. when i 'come-back-inside', i start to feel this uninterrupted connection or call it love to everything and everyone. its like watching a nature and feeling - i am this. its like walking in a city and feeling - i am this, everything and everyone. and everything and everyone is me. and .. i can not do, what i really would like to then. i would like to stop and say to every human being: i love you as you are because you are a miracle, you are a true wonder... but i am not saying it. you can not hear. because there is so much pain in you. so much despair. hidden words, buried feelings. mountain. all frozen... there is like an abyss between. and you are on the one side, i am on the other. yes, i can reach for you, but i can not bridge it for both of us, its too wide to do for me alone, it takes two, it takes willingness and courage on your part too ... but what about you, reading this words, now - maybe i am wrong about you. can you understand that you are a true miracle. can you? and that everyone is. can you feel this deep peace, deep connection, deep love, care. do you know that there is no 'death', no 'life', no 'sorrow', no... you can't. i know. and that is what makes me feel lonely. because there is almost no-one i can talk to, connect to, to share this ...

What I'm doing with my life

. live in an old farm house;
. work in a local elementary school as auxiliary teacher for young children with development disorders;
. read (and listen audio)books on education, psychotherapy and climate change;
. study and practice woodworking (with hand tools);

am university educated twice (sociology, social work and psychology), have gone through vocational training in existential-humanistic psychotherapy; have
forestry-specialist diploma from college, entrepreneur since the age of 18 (forestry, web-design, business consulting), traveled +17 countries with hitch-hiking and have lived abroad for ca 4 years (sweden, france, norway).